I am tired.
It is not a tiredness that one can just shake off with a quiet holiday in a nice location.
No. A month, a year, or a decade wouldn't do me any good. On the contrary. A week away will make me feel so guilty... "I have wasted precious time..."
I reached the ultimate level of exhaustion.
But how one gets here?
Forty years of breathing without actually living. The surviving mode is called.
I need something good to happen in my life.
I used to read a lot and that was my way of evading the cruel reality.
Now I write, don't have time for reading much, I have my own stories to tell.
But life is passing me by and I am losing hope.
After I finished my first novel, more and less a month ago, I started the look for ways to publish it.
How many times you've heard writers complaining about how difficult is to get noticed?
Infinite times I guess. So do I.
I thought I've seen them all. In the end, life is a battle itself. However, getting published is so much more than that.
You need to find someone to believe in you, and if you can't, money could help you.
What if you cannot find that person and you don't have the money?
Well, you're doomed.
But what if you are a writer and the language you write in is not your mother tongue?
What if not even your friends are able to see beyond your language skills?
What if you are waking up at 4 Am every morning only to guide your body and mind towards the road of perdition?
What if you are fighting against the wind?
What if it's not your destiny to fulfil your dream on this earth?
Is there anyone that could answer these questions?
God? The Universe? Aliens maybe? Michael Fassbender? Benedict Cumberbatch?
What if only a miracle could save you?
I don't know. I thought I believed in miracles.
P.S.
You might have seen "Burnt", the movie in which Bradley Cooper is a famous chef who only feels that the kitchen is the only place he belonged.
Although this is an inspirational movie, I avoided to watch it for a very long time because it brought to mind terrible memories.
Tonight I watched it to prove myself that I can overcome restrictions and phobias. I am not sure it was a good idea.
There is one scene in that movie that scared me to death. On the floor, defeated, he cried, "I am tired."
I know exactly what he meant. However, he was not alone. A writer has only the paper and the pen, the typewriter or the computer. These cannot speak to you. Unless you are hearing voices.
I am not there yet. Thank God!
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